"live a life of love"

I write often about the events and the fantastical girls I get to meet and hang out with... I suppose it's about time I write about myself! :)  I'm good... This year is really hard for me.  I'm very used to the routine of high school - always have things planned out for me... I didn't look for the learning, the learning was just thrown at me.  And now I'm in a situation where I have to pursue knowledge... I have to push myself, challenge myself, seek out God...  It's hard.  Because... it's just not what I'm used to.  But I want this year to be a really growing experience... And it is.  In high school I never liked to look at myself too closely - I've been very selfish in the last two years.  Telling myself I'm a teenager - it's the time to do what I want when I want.  But being here and in this enviroment of constantly being surrounded by four incredible Christian examples and having young girls and church leaders watch me ... it makes me watch myself.  And God and I... we have a lot of growth to work on.  Luckily Jesus is down :)  But for sure, this year is stretching me.  I've become like... addicted to doing my personal devotions and every day I am challenged - to watch my actions, my tongue, my thoughts... God is taking this year and this opportunity and fully just molding me and transforming me.
A big thing for me this year - is the being away aspect.  Because I am a very dependant person.  I always, always have been.  And it's really hard not to let myself be fully taken over by my homesickness.  I have to make a choice everyday to be here and be in this moment and committed to this ministry and what God's called me to do and not allow thoughts of what's going on back home, what I'm missing out on, worries of being forgotten distract me.  I love my family, my best friends, my boyfriend... and I'm used to finding encouragement and strength in them, through their compliments and lifting me up.  Being away from them... honestly it really sucks some days.  But God's teaching me a lot about discovering my independance and relying on him to be my encouragment and my strength... I like that.  The other big thing he's teaching me is to trust... trust his plans.  Because I am so much a planner - underneath all the messiness and slack attitude... there is a little bit of my mother in me.  And this tour... events get added or taken out, we have to trouble shoot when the pizza doesnt arrive or a team member is sick... and it's so hard for me everyday to be willing to switch up the routine... And just my big life picture too... I have so many plans and God's calling me so much this year to let go of all my plans and just commit to him and trust that he'll take care of the rest.  That he's got the best plan for me... and I just need to trust that...  And again, it's a choice i have to make everyday to surrender my plans to him... and just trust.
Oh and another thing I've discovered through this self reflection - is how I act towards people.  I think... people are one of my greatest strengths.  When I love people I love them whole heartedly... I do whatever I can to encourage and motivate them... to surprise them, to let them know how important they are to me... But I think because that is one of my greatest strengths Satan also really likes to attack me in that area and make it one of my greatest weaknesses.  The way I see people, judge them, whatever... My mom always said she was amazed that Kayla and I could be the best of friends one minute and the very worst enemies the next... and I think that's how I treat people.  I either love them with everything that I am or I don't care to give them the time of day.  God and I are working so very much on that... because I want to do what he asks me to do in Ephesians 5:2, and that is to "live a life of love just as Christ loved us."  Cuz love is fantastic... and I especially pray that I can see people the way God sees people... "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).  So that's something I'm working on... :)
This is very short cuz I have to go, but thats a little small update on.. just me.  And where I'm at.  Pray that I continually make the choice to give my day to Jesus.. :) And that I let him transform me this year cuz ... in my self reflection... I've decided I am very stubborn.  But also pray that I don't become overwhelmed with all the things I need to work on... that I would realize I am human and take it in stride and just remember that it's something to work at daily.. not something that will happen overnight.  Because I feel a little behind on tour sometimes... cuz everyone on my team has had their year out of high school... they're past that... high school life vs reality... and I'm just diving in and discovering how different the world is... So pray that I don't overwhelm myself... :)